Free! watches 50 percent off
by Ragingstillness
Summary: Exactly as the title says. I hope this is humorous. Based off of "YGOTAS reactions" and "White TV Room." WARNING: swearing and crack.
1. Chapter 1

Free! Watches 50% off

Summary: Exactly as the title says. I hope this is humorous. Based off of "YGOTAS reactions" and "White TV Room." WARNING: swearing and crack.

Author's note: After just finishing the first season of Free! ad watching all of 50% off I couldn't help but think I owed it to the fandom to create this fanfic. I hope you enjoy and check out the other fanfics mentioned in the summary. I will update as much as possible but my schedule is often spotty, just a forewarning. Please R&R and check out my other pieces in other fandoms. By the way, I am a real swimmer I can attest to the Free! Episodes being shockingly accurate with only a few errors. If you have any questions about actually swimming or terminology, don't hesitate to PM me.

 **Bold is abridged**

Haru's hand smacked the touchpad hard, stopping the clock on his 200 free. 2:05. Not bad. It was enough for this practice at least. He turned around, only to find that his teammates had not yet left for the locker rooms, but were having what appeared to be a water fight in the center of the pool.

Makoto was using his long arms fully to his advantage to swamp Nagisa while Rei had been intelligent enough to realize that going underwater and using his feet provided absolutely no accuracy but a large payoff in power. Blubbering under the stream of aquatic abuse, Nagisa noticed Haru had finished his test set and waved him over, "come on Haru-chan!"

Normally Haru would have sighed and joined reluctantly, grumbling mentally about some sort of homework he should have been doing, but today was a Friday and the Iwatobi Swim Team had an entire weekend ahead of them. So he ducked under a couple of lane lines and came up right in the center, earning a thorough splashing from the other three.

Shaking the water out his eyes, Haru extended both of his arms and began to spin, sending veritable waves over his friends. They all squealed like little babies and Haru's lips curled up ever so slightly. He tried to stop spinning in order to allow them to retaliate, but found the spiraling motion only increasing in speed.

"Hey, Haru stop it, you're spinning us too!" Makoto exclaimed.

Haru met his friend's eyes, panic stifling his voice. "It isn't me Makoto!"

The pool water continued to spin and spin, sweeping all four members off their feet and whirling them around into a huge whirlpool. Nagisa crashed into Rei and they both went careening off to the right. The whirlpool grew higher and higher until suddenly a wall of water slammed into Haru and he lost sight of the others, falling down, down, down…

His back hit a cushion. Haru sat up violently, whipping his head from side to side. It wasn't possible. It just wasn't possible. He blinked hard several times, trying to dispel the unmistakable hallucination he must be having. Maybe they should speak to someone about the chlorine levels in the pool. Makoto had read in a book once that chlorine gas could kill people almost instantly. Nope, what a stubborn hallucination. At least it was creative.

The cushion Haru's back had hit was attached to a chair, a very comfortable burgundy chair, one of five in the small room. Soft jazz buzzed in through unseen speakers and a fire burned in a fireplace a meter from his bare feet. He was still wearing his swimsuit but it was perfectly dry as was the chair and the rest of his body. Lights dotted the ceiling randomly, shedding low luminescence across the whole ridiculous scene. An brown end table with clawed paws sat to his left, a sleek black DVD player and a disk sitting atop it. A large screen TV hung over the fireplace.

More to the left was Makoto, asleep in one of the other chairs, and as Haru looked around he saw Nagisa and Rei in the others. The right most chair was also occupied and Haru almost fell out of his when he saw the sharp teeth and sloppy red bangs of Rin.

Haru stood up and tiptoed over to Makoto, noting that there were no doors or windows in this hallucination, a fact that concerned him more than it should, considering none of this was real.

"Makoto." Haru shook his shoulder. "Makoto. Wake up Makoto."

Bleary hazel eyes blinked open and Makoto sat up, yawning wide. "Haru?" He asked. "W-whas goin on?"

"I don't know. I think we're all hallucinating. You were absolutely right about the chlorine being dangerous."

Makoto woke up more and rapidly took in their surroundings. "Good lord," he breathed. "Let's wake the others."

Makoto took Nagisa and Haru took Rei then the four of them played roshambo to decide who woke up Rin. Rei lost as usual.

"Rin-san," he whispered. "Rin-san."

Rin stirred slightly then sat up, rubbing his head. "What the- Where are we?"

"We don't know." Makoto answered. "Haru and I thought we were having a chlorine induced hallucination but you're here so it can't be just our pool. Do you remember anything before you got here?"

"No, nothing. I was at practice, finishing a butterfly set, but everything is a blank after that."

Nagisa put a finger to his lips. "I remember we were playing some sort of splash game but it's all so blurry."

Rei laid a hand on his shoulder. "There has got to be a logical explanation. We just have to find it."

Haru spoke up quietly. "There are no doors or windows in this room, just the five chairs, a DVD player, a disk, a TV, and the fireplace."

Everyone stared at him; it was unusual to even hear him speak so much, especially in detail. Rin growled softly and ran his hand through his hair.

"So we don't know how we got here or how to leave." A silence fell over the group. Nagisa giggled nervously.

"Maybe we should put the DVD in, we might learn something from that." The others agreed reluctantly and Makoto picked up the disk. Rin and Rei scooted the chairs closer so everyone could see. Makoto inserted the disk and the TV came to life, a short message scrolling in white letters across the black screen.

"Welcome. I am Ragingstillness and I have been watching you. A spectator, if you will, to your wonderfully interesting lives. Not to worry though, I mean you no harm, and you will be allowed to leave when everything is over. You are perfectly safe. I only have one request of you all, and you must comply. The next screen will show a single play button. You must press the corresponding button on the DVD player and watch the following videos. You will notice the only buttons are play and pause. Feel free to use them at your discretion as you discuss what you are about to see. I hope you are as excited as I am."

The room was silent. Nagisa whimpered slightly and curled himself into his chair.

"So we have to watch some videos? Big deal, kind of lame for a stalkery kidnapper," Rin scoffed.

"I say we do it. Why not?" Makoto nodded seriously. "She said she meant us no harm. Aside from her demand to watch the videos we seem to be in kind if constricting hands." (A/N: Yay, Makoto trusts me).

There was a bleeping noise and the aforementioned play button appeared on screen. Haru reached forward with trepidation and pressed it. A splooshing sound was heard and a young boy dove into what looked like a pool. The narration quickly began.

 **"I always thought swimming was kind of like doing somebody. You dive in, flop around a bit, then you either get booed or somebody gives you a medal."**

The gang exchanged awkward confused looks. Nagisa looked particularly out of the loop and Rin seemed on the edge of thinking it was funny. The camera moved out of the water and onto the deck.

 **"Is it weird for me to think he looks good in that swimsuit? I mean, really good. It's totally not weird right?"**

"That's us!" Makoto exclaimed, staring incredulously at the younger versions of him and Nagisa staring out of the screen. That didn't sound like his voice at all but it was definitely them. Rin laughed slightly.

"I think it is weird Makoto."

"Hey, I didn't actually say that. Whoever made this video is giving me a strange voiceover."

 **"Ooh, new meat."**

It was only the tiniest glimpse but Rin sat up straighter as he recognized his own younger self diving off another block.

 **"And then I found out, swimming isn't like that at all. You can't have sex with your neighbor's above ground backyard pool. What was I talking about?"**

Makoto broke into a laughing fit. "Did he say 'with' or in?"

Nagisa giggled too. "Your voiceover really likes water Haru." The slightest of red blushes painted the tops of Haru's cheeks. Rei patted him on the shoulder.

"It's ok Haruka-sempai. Loving to swim is nothing to be ashamed of."

 **Little Haru hit the wall and surfaced, shaking water out of his hair. "Hey, let me help you out of that swimsuit,-POOL! The-the pool…"**

Makoto dropped his head into his hands. "Oh my God. Why, cruel world."

Rin snickered behind his hand. "I never knew you felt that way Makoto."

Makoto just moaned into his hands. He looked up at Haru who refused to meet his eyes.

"I am so sorry Haru, I swear I would never say that. It's just the voiceover." Haru still looked slightly horrified and sunk into his chair, losing posture by the second.

 **Little Haru grabbed little Makoto's hand. "He touched me!"**

Nagisa chuckled, his hands covering his mouth.

 **"You're Haru right? You're as fast as they say."**

Rin leaned forward at the first time his voiceover had spoken.

 **Little Rin got out of the pool. "My name is Rin. I sure hope we become best friends. But I don't hope we have a falling out over a race, leading us to have an intense, emotion-heavy, dramatic, competitive, love-hate relationship later on." "Yeah that would be awful."**

Everyone but Rin and Haru laughed at this, even Rei chuckling softly. "It is so true," Nagisa gasped.

There were a couple more moments toggling dramatically between Rin and Haru's faces before the words "Splash free," were heard and the words "50% off," appeared on screen. The screen went black and the white play button appeared again. This time no one moved to press it.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

The fivesome sat in silence, still reeling slightly from the video they had just watched. Nagisa was the first to break it and with a rather unpopular opinion. "That was actually kind of funny."

Makoto scoffed softly, his cheeks tomato red. Haru sank even deeper in his chair, his entire lower body pretty much hanging in air at this point. Rin tossed his hair out of his eyes and Rei just sighed, shaking his head at Nagisa.

"You can only say that because you haven't been in this yet."

"Yet? What do you mean yet?"

"It was just a prediction. There are obviously more videos to this DVD and so far it seems to be working from the past to the future."

Makoto straightened up suddenly. "How are they getting this footage anyway? This is from years ago and we never were taped during those times. I would remember that."

"As would I," Haru mumbled. Rei pushed his glasses higher on his nose.

"That is absolutely true, it is quite strange that the person who created these seems to have been privy to pieces of your personal lives which they couldn't possibly have been."

Rin growled. Rei's statement seemed to have muted the room again and a prickling feeling of suspicion began to creep up the necks of everyone present.

"I don't like this," Rin finally stated, "But we have no other choice than to keep watching and hope the videos will give us clues to how someone was spying on us. Watch very carefully and we might be able to find evidence of hidden cameras or at least something that may help us get out of here."

The others nodded. Nagisa hopped out of his chair sprite-like and after a brief moment of eye contact with all of his companions, he pressed the play button.

 **The same words and title were seen as at the ending of the previous video then a view of the city appeared and Makoto's voiceover began to speak.**

 **"If he makes me late again, I am going to give him such a tongue-lashing!" A more grown version of Makoto ran across the screen. "There's got to be a better phrase for that."**

"So now they're spying on our current lives?" Makoto asked, trying to ignore the obvious innuendo his voiceover had just made.

"Maybe," Rin responded. "It's more realistic than them spying on our past. Man, someone has a weird fetish though."

 **"Morning Ms. Tamura."**

 **"Good morning, Makoto. Here, you can take this to your boyfriend."**

 **"Hehe, he's not my boyfriend."**

 **"You're not fooling anyone, dear."**

Everyone laughed at that and Makoto sat back hard in his seat, mortified. Haru, on the other hand, fell halfway onto the floor.

"You two do seem awfully close…"

"Not helping, Rei."

 **Makoto ran up a set of steps then appeared to be ringing the doorbell of a house. Upon not receiving an immediate response, he slammed the doorbell multiple times, sending an obnoxious ringing vibrating through the house that everyone recognized as Haru's.**

 **"Haru? You home? It's me, Makoto. Ok I'm gonna break in."**

Rin snickered and poked Haru in the arm. "You need Makoto's help to just wake up in the mornings?"

Haru groaned and shot Rin a glare. Rei set his finger aside his chin.

"Also, Tachibana-sempai apparently knows how to break into a house."

"I do not. And even IF I did, I wouldn't use it to break into Haru's house. His door is always unlocked!" Makoto pleaded. Nagisa took pity on Makoto and leaned dangerously out of his chair to pat Makoto on the head.

 **There were several sounds of the door being jimmied then a crash as Makoto forced it open.**

 **"Don't be naked. Are you in here?"**

 **"Don't come in."**

 **"Ok I'm coming in. Also, you're gonna need a new back door."**

"Why are you in the bath, Haruka-sempai?" Rei asked. "If the video is to be believed and the two of you are going to school it seems awfully early to be having a bath." Haru scooted up in his chair slightly.

"I enjoy morning baths." He didn't bother to explain exactly why and no one asked. It was just added the the growing list of Haru's quirks.

 **Haru emerged from the water and shook the droplets out of his hair. Makoto leaned over and offered him a hand.**

 **"I broke in again."**

 **"There was a spare key under the mat."**

 **"There was just a swimsuit."**

 **"I don't see your point."**

 **"Just get out of the tub."**

Rin barked out a laugh and clapped a hand on Haru's shoulder. "I expected that."

 **The song Dreamweaver suddenly began playing and a slow motion camera tracked the motion of Haru's ripped body interspersed with Makoto's wondrous expression.**

Nagisa cackled and fell out of his chair. Makoto was beyond words so he just covered his eyes. Rin laughed lightly but felt sorrier for his friend's embarrassment than Nagisa so he patted Haru silently, hoping to show his solidarity. It was only bad luck that he patted Haru's bicep and Haru shrunk away, suddenly defensive of his muscles.

 **"Dude are you ok?"**

 **"We're gonna be date-late!"**

Makoto groaned. Rei looked over at him. "Are you crying, sempai?" "…No~"

 **"So anyway, I regain consciousness, there's cops everywhere, Nagisa's covered in blood, got an ice pick. Hehe. It was kind of a weird Tuesday."**

Nagisa shot up straight. "Did I die?!"

 **"Wonder what Haru's thinking about."**

 **"Oh, you like that don't you, you dirty ****ing ocean, oh you can't wait for me to get inside you, huh, huh? You ****ing sl-t you are so….wet!"**

 **"Probably swimming."**

Haru pulled the rest of his body up onto the chair cushion and formed his body into a tiny ball, covering his face. Rei glanced over at him.

"Are you crying sempai?"

"Yes," came the small whimper.

Rin was completely oblivious to this, simply dying in his chair along with Nagisa. Makoto looked, if possible, more traumatized than before.

 **"I'm gonna be late for anime school!"**

Rin slammed his hand on the pause button. "Woah, back up. 'Anime school?'" Rei frowned, his elbows braced over the top of Nagisa's chair.

"I've seen anime schools and they look nothing like ours. Why would they mention that?"

"I don't know. This Ragingstillness person seems to have been watching our lives for quite some time now. Maybe she's making some sort of joke about how she perceives our lives," Makoto inserted helpfully. Rin steepled his fingers.

"Maybe, but how do we know she's the one who made the videos? She told us to 'watch the following videos' and even stranger, to 'discuss' them. It's like she's trying to teach us something or learn how we feel about what we see."

"Yeah, Rag-chan does seem like a teacher," Nagisa chimed in. "However-" the others all stared at the blonde, concerned at his usage of such a foreboding word, "-she wanted us to discuss and said she was excited. That implies that to some extent she can see us even now! It's like those things on YouTube…do you remember Rei-chan?"

Rei pursed his lips. "Reaction videos?"

"Yeah those! She wants to see how the videos make us feel."

"Well if she's watching us right now I'd be happy to tell her how I feel." Rin raised both of his hands and flipped off the television. Against his will Makoto snickered a little.

"Oh well, let's just keep going."

He leaned forward and pressed the play button. In all the discussion about their mysterious stalker, no one noticed that the point about the anime reference was lost.

 **"Miss Nanase Haruka?" There was a laugh track and several lewd whoops. Video Haru just closed his eyes, resigning to being mistaken for a girl. It was maybe the first time he had accurately portrayed his real life counterpart.**

 **"Ma'am, Haru's a guy."**

 **"Yeah you wouldn't have a crush on him otherwise."**

 **"Shut up."**

Makoto threw up his hands in frustration. "You know what? Fine. Fine, fine, fine. If this video wants me to crush on Haru then so be it." Haru looked a little concerned. "I still refuse to give it any validity in real life!"

 **"Well, since you were absent yesterday Haru, I'm Amakata Miho, your new homeroom teacher. But that doesn't really matter because I'm basically pointless in this show."**

"Show? What show?" Rin asked.

"Well if we're going off the YouTube theory, this is probably some form of web series," Makoto explained.

"Oh, ok."

 **"Let's go eat lunch," said a much too chipper Makoto. The scene switched to the stairs and Haru talking to Makoto.**

 **"I'm just saying, is it illegal if I'm in my own pool?"**

 **"I don't know, it sounds illegal."**

 **"I don't think I want to know."**

 **"What's up sl-ts? Guess who just got out of prision?"**

"Holy-" Nagisa jumped out of his seat. Rei's mouth dropped open and his elbow slipped off the back of Nagisa's chair and would have nailed the blonde in the head had he not stood up. Haru looked up from his cocoon of embarrassment long enough to give the TV a very confused look.

"What the-" Makoto breathed. Nagisa jumped up and down in agitation.

"That isn't how I speak at all! Mean Rag-chan! I thought you were on my side!"

Even his shouts of anguish were drowned out by Rin howling with laughter and practically rolling out of his chair.

 **"Sl-ts?"**

 **"Prison?"**

 **"Nagisa?"**

 **"Yeah…"**

Nagisa fell to his knees and the beginnings of hopeless tears began to form in his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three:

Splash free, 50% off

Nagisa cried for several minutes in Rei's arms until the light strokes Rei passed over his back encouraged the wails to fade to small whimpers. He wasn't willing to get up off of the floor though, so he settled for leaning against Haru's chair, where the freestyler was still curled up on the cushion. Even Rin seemed thrown by Nagisa's insane thug voice and the blatant swearing. Makoto's blush had finally got under control at that point so he was the first to suggest continuing the videos. Nagisa sniffed mightily and with a trembling upper lip gave the command to go ahead, the threads of hope swelling pathetically in his big magenta eyes.

 **(The boys were shown standing on the roof talking loudly.)**

 **"Gee Nagisa, it feels like forever since you drowned Shinji in the deep end and tried to burn down the swim club."**

Those threads of hope disappeared.

 **"Shinji was a b#tch a** poser. Whatever, I did my time, joined a prison swim team, got out on good behavior. Ha. Believe that."**

 **"You broke out didn't you?"**

 **"Who told you that?"**

Nagisa considered jumping into Rei's arms and crying until it all went away.

Rin squinted at the screen and asked, "who is, sorry, _was_ , Shinji?"

He looked to Nagisa.

Lip wobbling, Nagisa turned his most innocent eyes on Rin before responding curtly, "I don't know."

 **(The boys got down from the roof and began walking the halls.)**

 **"Anyway, you hear about the old swim club? They're tearing that sh#t down, we should go check it out, $$$$ing rage!"**

Makoto sighed. "I miss that club. It was such a shame they had to tear it down. The least they could have done was let the locals know."

 **"I don't think so."**

 **"What?! That's some p &ssy a** sh-t Haru!"**

Haru extended from his curled ball to swat Nagisa lightly on the head.

 **"It might be cool to go check it out before they tear it down."**

 **"No."**

 **"There's a poooool."**

 **(Slide whistle sound)**

Rei squinted at the screen. "I sure hope they aren't implying what I think they are."

In between laughing Rin slapped the arms of his chair and replied, "nope I believe they are."

 **(Wolf howl)**

 **"Man, this place sure brings back memories for me."**

 **(Flashback)**

 **"Oh no, he's hot when he's sad."**

"Stooooop it…" Makoto growled.

 **"Heh, me too."**

 **(Crashes, several gunshots, sirens, and someone screaming I will never die.)**

Nagisa's hands flew up to his mouth. "Oh God what did I do?"

 **"That's why I brought this. This sh-t will $$$$ your a** sideways."**

 **(Haru licks it.)**

 **"Hmm, choice."**

Nagisa slammed his fists on the carpet, the effect ruined by the lack of any actual noise. "That was salt not drugs!"

"It looks like drugs."

"Not helpful Rin, not helpful."

"Well it kind of does…"

"Shut up Makoto."

 **"This reminds me of prison, this reminds me of prison, this reminds me of prison, ooh ooh this definitely reminds me of prison."**

"For how long was I in prison?!"

 **"Nagisa, that's a picture of us as kids."**

 **"Oh hey yeah it is. Huh. Look at that little pimp, he gonna grow up to be a prison-a** mother$$** $$er."

"I would never say any of these things! Why? Why is this funny? Rin, why is this funny? Who would possibly laugh at this?"

 **(Makoto holding Haru's shirt)**

"You guys look kind of cute."

"What did we say about not helping Rin?"

Haru whimpered slightly.

"Look what you've done, he has anxiety now!"

 **"Man wouldn't it be so crazy if we ran into Rin?"**

 **(Footsteps)**

 **"Oh, look there he is."**

 **"Yo."**

 **"Rin, oh thank God. I've been rolling with these honkies and I just about had it."**

Makoto whistled. "Not cool Nagisa, not cool."

 **"Hey Haru. You still hang out with these losers? Hahaha. I guess you'll never learn."**

 **"You still hang out in abandoned…buildings? Got him."**

The whole group turned to Haru exasperatedly.

 **" Let's just skip all the fluff and get to the part where we're shirtless."**

 **"Fine."**

"While that was what happened it wasn't the point."

 **"Nagisa, he called you a loser!"**

 **"Ayo homeboy looks like Shark Week, I ain't messing with that."**

"Ha!"

Nagisa turned around. "Rei you traitor!"

"I'm sorry Nagisa-kun, it was funny."

 **"Finally I get some action today."**

 **(Camera takes multiple gratuitous shots of the boys taking their shirts off)**

 **"What you couldn't find a water bottle on the way over here to tide you over?"**

 **"Say it."**

Apparently beaten to immunization Haru finally uncurled and just sat back in his seat, hugging his legs to his chest. Makoto tried to pat him on the shoulder but Haru flinched away, still a little scarred. The look of anguish on Makoto's face almost made him turn back and lean into his hand.

 **"Guys you can't do this!"**

 **"Nah nah let 'em do it. Things get ugly I brought some stuff from the old yard they can fight with."**

 **"Let's do this."**

Makoto sighed. "I remember what happened next."

 **"It's empty."**

Rei stared at the TV, wide-eyed. "You two were so deep into your dive you could have broken your necks!"

Rin held up a finger. "But we didn't and that's the important part."

 **"Fine. I didn't want to hang around you dildos anymore. Speaking of dildos, I found this. Pretty sentimental huh? I'm sure you boys could find some way to use it."**

"I will never be able to look at that trophy properly again."

Even Rin looked a little disturbed. "Childhood ruined."

 **"Say it!"**

 **"Hahahaha. Ah, dildos. Ha, I slay me."**

 **"Yeah you better run. $$$$ing with my crew!"**

 **"So I can keep the trophy right? I mean not because of the reason he said."**

Makoto covered his head with his hands, as though he could ward off the puns. "Please don't hurt me," came his muffled comment.

 **(Change scene)**

 **"Rin…It all feels like a dream."**

 **"It wasn't a dream. We got arrested for trespassing, we went to jail!"**

 **"Nah man we went to holding. There's a biiiiig difference."**

 **"Whatever."**

 **"Not whatever. We only got out because Nagisa's friend paid bail."**

 **"Oh yeah, now we owe Easter Dave a favor, that is not a position you want to be in."**

"Our characters are nuts!"

 **"Guys this means Rin is back. Maybe he goes to our high school."**

 **"Wouldn't we have seen him around by now? I mean, he is a bipedal shark person."**

Rin sat back hard in his chair, almost tipping it over. "I resent that."

 **"Oh I think I know how we can find out."**

 **"We're not gonna kill anyone."**

 **"Well then I got nothing."**

The boys looked around the room. Nagisa was still fighting tears at the foot of Haru's chair, Haru appeared to be slightly comatose, Rin was pissed, Rei was tired, and Makoto seemed to have given up on life. How could they survive until the end of this nightmare?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four:

It took no small amount of effort for the five to work up the courage to even consider pushing the tape back in. Nagisa in particular was having difficulty dealing with the violent re-characterization of himself. Rei finally gave up on watching Nagisa fight tears while Makoto and Rin debated watching the next one and gently pushed past them to sit next to Nagisa on the floor.

He set a gentle hand on the blonde's shoulder and Nagisa looked up. Rei tried his best to give an encouraging smile and leaned close to Nagisa's ear to whisper their conversation.

"Are you alright?"

Nagisa paused for a moment, tilting his head before nodding it and Rei knew he was lying. He scooted even closer.

"I'm not going to lie to you, if we keep watching your character is probably only going to get worse and worse."

Nagisa winced slightly and Rei hurried on before the tears began again.

"So we have to find some way to look at this positively. He isn't you, and everyone here knows how sweet you are and that you'd never say those things. How about we pretend he's someone else."

Nagisa looked up at Rei, all traces of tears gone and the slightest light of mischief back in his shiny magenta eyes.

"Like an evil twin?"

Rei latched onto the idea.

"Yeah, like an evil twin, a very quirky, very weird evil twin. That way we can laugh at him and see him as he's supposed to be seen, as funny."

Nagisa nodded quietly, processing the idea. Then he seemed to grasp onto it completely and smiled up at Rei.

He glanced quickly around at the others then rested his head on Rei's shoulder for the barest moment. Then he sat back up and leaned against Haru's chair, missing the brightening of the tips of Rei's ears.

The argument above them meanwhile had finally gotten to a degree that even Haru was beginning to notice.

Rin wanted to keep watching of all things, simply because he was really very bored and this was the only way to get back home it seemed. Makoto was strongly against it, citing the rude jokes the clip show was making about him and Haru as evidence.

The two were almost on the edge of yelling when Haru suddenly spoke up.

"I want to go home."

Maybe it had been a statement of despair but Rin immediately capitalized on it and Makoto was powerless to disagree with Haru's judgement, especially when the video made him feel like he was wronging Haru somehow.

Rin leaned forward and tapped Rei on the shoulder who then touched the play button, beginning the next episode.

 **Makoto and Nagisa were shown walking around a locker room.**

 **"Are you sure this is ok Nagisa?"**

 **"Yo man, this ain't my first job, I know what I'm doing."**

Nagisa leaned slightly closer to Rei.

 **"Mmhh. Oh, I found something."**

 **"Money?"**

Rin snorted.

 **"What? No, his locker."**

 **"Right, right, lockers. That's why we're here. Course."**

 **"Matsuoka..Goa?**

Rin laughed lightly. "Is that what you all call Ko? No wonder she always complains about you guys."

Makoto frowned. "She complains about us?"

Rin rolled his eyes. "Don't worry. It's out of love."

 **A doorbell is heard.**

 **"I guess he isn't home."**

 **Heavy metal and a shot of Haru in a bathtub.**

The group looked to Rin, resident heavy metal expert, but he just shrugged, as mystified as the rest of them.

 **"I wonder why his lock is broken."**

 **"Um, excuse me…"**

 **"I've got Mace!"**

Nagisa sniggered slightly at that one and Rei smiled gratefully at the unseen creators.

 **"Was Macing us really necessary after you remembered who we were?"**

Makoto winced. "Mace is hefty stuff. We would not be able to talk to her comfortably if she really had maced us."

Rin looked over at him. "How do you know that?"

Makoto sighed. "The benefits of being really tall and asking young women if they need help with groceries late at night."

Rin winced and Haru reached over, still not making eye contact with Makoto, but fluttering his hand over his friend's chest until he bent back awkwardly and patted Makoto on the shoulder.

 **"After what he did to me?"**

 **"You took the fall for me and I said thank you."**

"Oh God what did I do," Nagisa muttered.

 **"I went to jail! I learned things. Terrible things…"**

 **"Are you sure you didn't just go to holding? I recently learned there's a big difference."**

Makoto snapped his fingers. "That was from the last episode. I remember that. They thought they could get it past me but they didn't."

Rin looked a little surprised at Makoto's passion but Haru just shrugged it off, remembering movie nights where Makoto would feverishly attempt to guess the ending and who would end up with who. He had an amazing memory and was often right.

 **"I spent six months at a correctional facility!"**

 **"So, about Rin?"**

Rei smirked. "Nice try sempai."

 **"Who said anything about Rin? I stabbed a girl in the yard!"**

 **"Cold blooded."**

Rin actually laughed rather hard at this one.

Haru looked over at him and made a quiet comment. "You're not offended by this?"

"Nah, no way, this is the kind of teasing I would give her."

 **"What do you mean you stabbed a girl in the yard?"**

 **"I mean, Rin goes to Samezuka academy. You should totally go check it out, I'm sure he'd love to see you guys or whatever."**

 **Immediate cut to Haru looking disgruntled and soaking wet.**

Rin squinted at the screen. "You guys were out of shape for ages, how does Haru look so ripped?"

Makoto shrugged then whispered in a stage voice, "no one knooooows…"

 **"No."**

 **"Come on Haru, Goa says I owe her for the jail time and now we gotta go to this school and see Rin."**

 **"We literally saw him yesterday."**

 **Rei sat up a bit. "That is true. We were awfully desperate to see him again."**

 **Makoto sighs heavily, but sexily. "I don't have time for this. There's a pool."**

 **Slide whistle noise and closeup on Haru's adorable little blushy face. "Pooooool?"**

Nagisa fully giggled at this, heedless of Haru's blush. "The subliminal clues strike again."

The others stared at him.

He frowned back, a little disgruntled. "I read."

Rei patted him on the shoulder solemnly. "Never change Nagisa, never change."

 **"D &mmnit they got me again. Good job Haru. Shut up Haru."**

Haru frowned at the screen. Not only was this the first time his character had sworn, but the phrasing of those thoughts had sounded strange, as though multiple people had spoken at once.

Glancing over at Makoto, he saw the saw look of confusion on his friend's face. Dread grew in the pit of his stomach, deeper than during his pre-meet nightmares, but he soldiered on, turning back to the TV.

 **A shot of some very weird looking stars flies across the screen.**

 **Voice over: "Later at Samezuka Academy."**

 **"Yeah then you just take out your trusty lock-pick-"**

 **Gunshot**

To everyone's surprise Nagisa actually laughed at this. It was a bark of a laugh, seemingly torn out of him courtesy of the amazing comedic timing but it was a laugh and they all were grateful for it.

Rin was also not afraid of holding in his laughter, his hand having shot out to point at the screen and tears of hilarity pricking the edges of his eyes.

 **"And you're in. Ain't no thang."**

 **"I think that guard you killed had a family."**

Makoto chuckled at this and Rin grinned over at him. "Even in this, you're still team mom aren't you?"

Makoto sputtered and Nagisa began to laugh, kicking his feet against the carpet.

Rei pushed up his glasses and met Makoto's eyes. "You are a bit of team mom sempai." Makoto just blushed childishly.

It wasn't going to go any further when out of the blue Haru added, "you would make a great mom."

There was a pause then everyone was in stitches. They almost missed the next section of content they were laughing so hard. Rin in particular was fully crying at this point and could barely see the screen.

 **Haru rips his shirt off majestically.**

 **"Wait Haru!"**

 **"Haha nope."**

 **Cue Haru swimming with an unspeakably happy smile that should really be getting water in his mouth. (A/n: take it from a real swimmer.)**

 **"You at that majestic-a** mother$$$$er. Like a dolphin or some sh-t. A dolphin with legs…and arms…and a jet pack…Holy sh-t this stuff is definitely kicking in."**

Nagisa whimpered and his hand slid over to cover Rei's on the floor. No one dared laugh out of respect for his feelings.

 **"Nagisa, why are you getting naked?"**

 **"I don't know man but it's gonna be great! Jack knife!"**

 **Nagisa runs towards the pool. There is shown to be a knife tattoo on his right arm and several on his back. He jumps in naked in an unfortunately fuzzy shot.**

Rin stared down at Nagisa incredulously. "Do inform me, Nagisa, why you thought it was a good idea to jack knife naked into a pool people have been swimming in all day and that you've just broken into?"

He stretched out the words comically and Rei laughed lightly, encouraged by Nagisa's good humored answer to the question. "I was feeling happy Rin. And your pool is nicer than ours."

 **Makoto face palms.**

 **"Makoto get in the pool."**

 **"I'm not going to get in the pool."**

 **"B#tch get in the pool."**

 **"Waoh!"**

 **A split second frame of Nagisa's wrist is shown as he pulls Makoto in. The tattoo on it reads swim life and is framed by barbed wire.**

Nagisa squinted at the frame. "If I ever did get a tattoo, that might be something I would legitimately consider."

Rin nodded sagely. "Me too. Or maybe a shark."

Makoto scoffed, "typical."

Rin whipped his head towards Makoto, his glare boring through an innocent Haru's head. "What?"

"Nothing," Makoto quickly recovered.

 **Makoto surfaces, looking unfairly sexy. He and Nagisa start a water fight.**

 **"You splash like a b#tch."**

 **Rin suddenly walks up and rock music begins to play.**

Rin nodded proudly. "I approve."

 **"What's going on here? Did my sister send you in an attempt to get us all to emotionally reconnect?"**

 **"Ayo what up Jaws?"**

 **Nagisa's chest is now shown to read Thug Seme in addition to the knife tat on his arm.**

Nagisa laced his fingers with Rei's and squeezed particularly hard, trying not to groan. Rin had no such inhibitions and was practically out of his seat, in that state of gasp-laughing where something was so funny it hasn't quite hit yet.

He stammered out, "did that say with I think it said?"

There was a long awkward silence then Haru of all people spoke up, squinting at the screen in confusion. "Probably." He turned to Rin. "What's a seme?"

Rin made to answer but thought better of it. Haru's gaze was so innocent and a second look almost made him reconsider so he floundered and passed the question off. "Hey Makoto how 'bout you answer that."

Makoto shook his head decisively. "Google it Haru. Google it when we get home. I won't be responsible for ruining your mind."

Haru's expression became suddenly very concerned and he looked back at the screen.

 **"Shut up, and why are you naked?"**

 **"I'm naked?"**

 **Haru surfaces.**

 **"Free."**

 **"What did you just say to me?"**

 **"Free."**

 **"What?"**

 **"Free."**

Rei squinted at the screen. "I wasn't there but I somehow doubt that was what happened."

Nagisa shook his head. "Nope, that was exactly how it happened."

 **"That's what I thought you said. Sounds like you wanna race to the death. The loser has to commit-"**

 **Rin's eyes flash.**

 **"-swimpukku."**

 **"That's not a real thing."**

Nagisa laughed as his double said what they all were thinking.

 **"It is now!"**

 **The screen goes black with a wave motif and the word end.**

Nagisa gave Rei's fingers one last thankful squeeze then pulled away. Rin stopped to catch him breath and they all sat for a moment, enjoying the silence that was sure not to last long.

 **Author's note: It has been ages since I updated this! So sorry guys, life happened. I have hopefully made up for my absence with a little Regisa. Hope you enjoyed. Please R &R. By the way, I don't intent to include much in terms of explicit shipping per-say so you can kind of ship whatever you want to squint and find. This is just a special case. **


	5. Chapter 5

Makoto spoke up, leaning back and slumping on his red armchair. "How long do you think we'll be here? I mean, if these are accounts of the past, surely they'll stop once they reach the present."

Rin nodded, steepleing his hands. "If we take a look at where the series is now, we may be looking at quite some time until we make it to where we are now."

Nagisa shook his head, blonde curls flying and everyone looked at him. He held up a finger. "You may be right Rin-chan, but the story seems to be told from a very limited perspective with lots of time skips. It's almost as if we were watching a movie of ourselves, only we don't know what kind of ending it's trying to get to or who the story is supposed to be about. It could be any of us."

Rin sat back and laughed. "I think it's me or Haru. The four of you are often together so why flip over to my perspective at all if it isn't important. And Haru always seems to get the most screen time."

The others looked a bit disgruntled. Haru looked apathetic. Rin had made the statement in a joking tone, but he wasn't necessarily playing around. They had all seen the evidence and were avoiding the same conclusions. Heck, Rei wasn't even in the videos yet. It was disconcerting. No matter how selfless someone can claim to be, they still believe the story, life, centers around them. To have that shaken, even by a video, destabilized a lot of their previous confidence in the situation.

Then Nagisa scoffed. "We can't jump to conclusions so easily. I mean, I am obviously the cutest, maybe the story is about me."

Rin laughed. "You think so short stuff?"

"Hey!"

Rin leaned down and ruffled Nagisa's hair. "What you said was right, though."

Rei nudged Nagisa's arm. "Rin-sempai is right. You are the cutest."

Then he turned away and totally missed how Nagisa's face lit up, cheeks flushed and eyes simply glowing. Makoto spoke up.

"I think the ultimate mistake we're all making is that we're taking this seriously. Admittedly, we are in a rather, unique, situation but at its most basic level, we've been taken somewhere by someone we don't know and made to watch a serious of parody videos that, while creepy and annoying, seem mostly harmless. I bet we'll find out this was all a practical joke on the part of one of our friends afterwards."

Rei frowned. "Friends that kidnap us?"

Rin put in, "We have other friends?"

Haru chose to end the conversation, ignoring everyone to press the play button.

 **(A bunch of Japanese scrolls across the bottom of the screen with the yellow caption: Translator's note: I have no idea what this says.)**

Makoto frowned. "Now, I understand what that says, but what I don't understand is why we get what we've heard thus far? I mean, Rin, you're the only one who's had a true education in English?"

Rin nodded. "We haven't noticed yet because it felt like our native language, but everything we've heard thus far has been in English, not Japanese."

Nagisa shivered. "That doesn't sound like something a friend of ours could do."

The group fell silent, clinging to the shreds of their theory. It was the only way to not confront the terror that one generally associated with a kidnapping.

 **W-Wait! You guys aren't really going to race to the death are you?**

 **Of course we are, that's how they do it in Australia.**

 **And prison!**

Rin stabbed a finger at the TV. "Lies."

 **You ready Haru? Better say bye to your boyfriend.**

 **He's not my boyfriend, the pool and I are just friends…with benefits.**

Rin laughed. "That's not what you said last time." Haru just grimaced.

 **I'm surprised how calm you are Haru, considering the loser has to commit.. Swimpukku.**

 **Ooh.**

 **Y'already said that.**

"Wait, wait, wait!" Nagisa sat up. "I get it now. Swimpukku is a pun on Seppuku, the old samurai suicide technique."

Rin frowned. "Eww. A bit on the nose aren't they?"

 **Makoto…**

 **Uh.**

 **If I do die, there's something I need you to do for me.**

 **I'd do anything to you Haru, FOR you.**

Makoto didn't flinch this time. Instead he nodded. "The last part of that is true." He had intended it to be comforting but the room fell silent and the unspoken words on everyone's lips were: _What else of that is true?_

 **Bury me with my swimsuits.**

 **What?**

Nagisa chuckled. "He sounds so offended."

Rin rested a finger against his lips. "It does seem like a very Haru thing to do."

They glanced over at Haru. The group was only half surprised (and half resigned) to see him nod. "I hadn't given it much thought before. But if I do indeed die in the approaching future, please do bury me with my swimsuits."

Nagisa tilted his head back to look at Haru upside down. "Maybe you'll get lucky and the Egyptians will have been right."

Haru's brow furrowed for a moment then he smiled, just a little. Barely even a curve of his lips. "They believed that the possessions you were buried with went on to the afterlife with you." His smile grew, just enough to be visible. "I could swim for eternity."

 **100 meters, freestyle. Call it Makoto.**

 **Okay? Uh, ready…go.**

Rin laughed. "Weak, Makoto."

Rei nodded. "Not to mention that there is a complex whistle system created for swim races already. You observed none of those rules."

Makoto snorted. "Beat him up as much as you like, I didn't want them to swim at all."

 **(Boys do unreasonably beautiful starts)**

(A/N: It is not possible to quantify my jealousy right now. They start like, it's unbelievable really, Olympic swimmers. No one is that graceful at that age! Except maybe a couple of girls on my team. Ok, fine, I am not very good at starts.)

 **Hey twenty bucks on Jabberjaw.**

 **(Haru swims towards the camera then the scene changes suddenly to Rin on his phone.)**

Rin stood halfway up. "Hey! Are they just not going to show the race!? How dare they!" He looked incensed.

 **D &mmit! Does this mean… I can never win?**

 **(He runs his hand through his already sexy hair.)**

 **(The screen shows an iPhone error message with the words, "Sorry, swimppuku is not an acceptable word," with what appears to be a scrabble app in the background.)**

"Now that's creepy."

"What is?"

"Haru and I actually do have a Words With Friends game going."

Makoto's head swung to Haru. "Really?"

Haru shrugged. "I'm winning."

Rin stuck a finger out at him. "Lieeeeessssss."

 **Hey man did you TiVo Glee last night?**

 **Who owns a TiVo?**

 **I do.**

 **Easter Dave found it in a truck abandoned on the side of the road. Want one?**

 **Eh, no. And I'm not allowed to watch Glee. My dad says it might turn me into something bad.**

 **Something bad?**

 **A musical theater major.**

Makoto snorted. "I'm glad we got that cleared up."

Nagisa arched an eyebrow, unused to hearing sarcasm from Makoto. Rin sat back in his chair.

"Really it is. I might just stop watching, kidnapping or not, if they decided to be discriminatory."

The others all nodded. "Agreed."

 **Oh, right. Oh hey Goa!**

 **I told you to call me Ko!**

 **Does it really even matter?**

 **Yes it matters, call me Ko!**

 **Goa!**

 **Ko!**

 **Goa.**

 **Ko!**

 **Goa!**

 **Ko!**

 **Ko!**

 **Goa!**

 **Ko!**

 **Goa!**

 **Alright, Goa it is.**

 **Argh!**

 **Ha, you'r a** just got Looney-Tooned.**

Nagisa snorted. "That's the second thing he's done I enjoyed."

Rei just frowned. "What's 'Looney Tooned?'"

Nagisa turned sideways to face Rei head-on. "You haven't seen Looney Toons? Oh Rei I have so much to teach you, you have to come over some time."

Rei smiled. "Sure." His face fell a little. "When we get out of here."

Nagisa shrugged and turned back to face the TV. "I'm not really concerned anymore."

Rin spoke up. "You aren't?"

"Yeah, I mean, we aren't in danger and some of this is actually funny. I'm trusting the practical joke theory, and in that case, we're fine."

The others visibly brightened. Nagisa's smile only grew to reflect their and with that he leaned forward and pressed the play button to restart the video.

 **So, did you guys meet up with Rin?**

 **Yeah, it was stupid. He showed up and challenged Haru to a death race. Neither one of them even died.**

 **Oh yeah, I wonder how Haru got out of that?**

 **(Flash to Rin and Haru talking by a fence.)**

 **Ok Haru, time to kill yourself.**

 **I don't want to.**

 **Ok, see you later.**

 **(Rin walks away and the shot zooms out, revealing Haru's adorkable sweater.)**

 **(Powerpoint slide transition back to Ko.)**

"Wow that was easy."

"You didn't even try, sempai."

"Shut up."

 **Yeah, Rin has been acting really weird lately since he saw you at the pool.**

 **Aw yeah. Hey, how did he know we were there?**

 **(Cut to Rin and Ko on phones and a closeup of the screens.)**

 **(Nagisa's voice is heard echoing in the distance.)**

 **Ko: Hey b#tchbaby, ur friendz r going 2 da old swim club**

 **(iMessage sending noise.)**

 **Rin: I told you to stop calling me that**

 **Ko: wat r u gonna do? cry about it? (smiling face with sparkles)**

 **Rin: yes :(**

 **(Fade out to the conversation from before.)**

Rin snorted. "Sounds like her." The others looked around, half scared Ko was going to jump out from somewhere and take offense to that. Come to think of it, she was the only person they knew who'd do something like this.

 **But I don't have time to worry about that. My parole officer says I need more extracurriculars and they said they won't let me back into the sewing club because apparently when I threaten someone with sewing needles it's deemed "inappropriate" and "I have to leave."**

 **That's a great idea!**

 **Threatening people with needles?**

 **Yeeeeaaah. No, wait, starting a swim club.**

 **Yeah that sounds awesome.**

 **B#tch you ain't invited!**

"Re-jected Makoto."

 **I mean yeah we could but I don't know how Haru would feel…**

 **(Quick cut to Haru.)**

 **Haru if you join the swim team you get to get in the pool.**

 **But I don't want to join the swim team Haru.**

 **Ok, ok Haru but hear me out…you get…to go…in the pool.**

 **You make a compelling argument Haru.**

 **Thank you Haru.**

Haru got out of his chair to press the pause button.

"What was that?" He sounded horrified.

Makoto pressed his thumb against his lips. "It kind of sounds like what we heard last time. Where it kind of sounded like you were talking to yourself. But this is much more extreme."

Rin nodded, quirking an eyebrow at the screen. "This is schizophrenia."

Nagisa mirrored Makoto's posture. "Or Multiple Personality Disorder."

Rei pushed his glasses up his nose. "Nagisa's theory sounds more accurate. While all of the personalities seem to be named Haru, they address each other and speak like different people."

Haru's fingers curled into his palms. "But why?"

Rei sensed the question wasn't geared towards the concept of mental disorders. "I'm going to guess it's a way of reversing the part of your nature that enjoys quiet. It's like what I told Nagisa, an evil twin, with some of the opposite characteristics."

Mollified, Haru sat back in his chair. Makoto sent Rei a grateful look. Although he was young, the intelligent butterflyer was currently holding the team together. Not that he needed to with Rin, who had little difficulty laughing at himself.

 **Are you ok Haru? You know if you join the swim club-**

 **-I can get in the pool.**

 **Y-yeah.**

 **$$$$ it, let's do this. (dolphin noise)**

Rin chuckled. "I'd like to think it took more to start your unorthodox swim club."

Nagisa smirked. "The abridged version, but, yeah, that is somewhat how it went."

Rin just shook his head.

 **(Haru towels off with more sparkles than an anime sempai floating around his arm)**

 **His arms, his muscles, I have to tumblr this! (a fake phone appears on the screen but is surprisingly well photo-shopped into the image)**

 **(Shutter noise)**

"I'm going to be the last one to deny Haru's pretty built, but why haven't they given the rest of us any appreciation?!"

Makoto rolled his eyes at Rin. " _That's_ what you're upset about?"

 **Oh yeah, this is deep blue sea's sister.**

 **Matsuoka…Ko.**

 **It's KO you piece of shi- oh, no, wait that's right.**

Nagisa banged his fist on the carpet, biting his lip to stifle a laugh.

 **(Ko stares pleasantly at Haru)**

 **B#tch don't even $$$$ing think about it.**

Rin leaned across towards Makoto. "My preeecious~" he whispered. Makoto shivered.

 **(Camera moves to the "trophy")**

 **Should I be looking at that?**

 **It's just a trophy!**

 **I've spent the majority of my nights alone, I've seen more than a few…trophies.**

 **(Resigned tone) yeah me too.**

Rei slapped his hand to his forehead. "I had hoped we were past childish humor."

Nagisa shook his head, lips pressed into a line. "Abandon all hope ye who enter here." Against himself, Rei laughed.

 **Oh hey it's my brother as a kid and three other idiots.**

 **That's us!**

 **I know.**

 **Oh I know you didn't just say what I think you just said.**

 **(Pan frying noise and the impossibly delicious image of Haru cooking in swim trunks and an apron that brings out the color of his eyes)**

 **So it's weird Rin hasn't talked to you guys. He always comes back around this time for New Year's.**

 **What? And he didn't even tell us?**

Rin had the grace to look guilty.

 **Haru.**

 **I like mackerel.**

 **Me too Haru.**

 **I don't like mackerel.**

 **Shut up Haru.**

Haru pouted. "How rude. All of my personalities would like mackerel."

 **Alright dolphin ()ongs, since everybody's on board let's start a $$$$in' club. Makoto, you the captain.**

"Ok I'm giving that a pass. It's pretty funny."

Rei nodded. "Skillful alliteration too. We've got to give the writers some credit."

 **I think Haru should be the captain. I like him in those positions…of leadership!**

 **I don't know man, never really saw Haru as the patriotic type.**

 **(Sudden and inexplicable cut to Haru with a creepy expression smile on his face singing a parody of the USA national anthem about swimming and wearing an over-americanized jacket and trunks)**

 **(Nagisa staring at Haru.)**

 **(Offended tone) What the $$$$ are you looking at?**

"So that's what you two were imagining?"

From his position shaking in his chair Makoto found it in himself to reply. "I swear Haru, we weren't." His and Nagisa's continued laughter didn't help his case. Haru just rolled his eyes.

 **Nothing. (said by both Makoto and Nagisa)**

 **Author's note:**

 **Woah baby it's been a while since I posted one of these. Sorry to all of my fans, you've all been wonderful with your kudos, reviews, comments, and follows. I love you all, hope you'll be gentle on my crazy update schedule. Thanks you guys! You're the best. For anyone who's wondering about the timing in canon, I'm putting them all at the end of the first season. Just clearing that up. Please R &R and say hi to me on tumblr Ragingstillness. **


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six:

There was a ding as the last video paused and the screen went black again. The lights flicked on and off several times, too quickly for fear to set in or even for one of them to scream. White letters scrolled down the screen, much like the first message they had received. They said,

 _Hey, what's up, swim babes? I hope you've been enjoying yourselves thus far. As you may have figured out, you are in no danger while you're here, and nothing in these videos is meant to expressly harm you. They shouldn't take up too much of your time and when we're done I promise I'll have you home safe and sound._

 _-Rag-chan._

Rin growled. "If you're not trying to harm us, why force us to watch these abominations?" He turned away. The others continued to regard the screen. It took a couple seconds but the screen flickered then a new white message appeared. Nagisa stretched out to tap Rin's foot and point at the screen. He looked up.

 _I'd love to say there's a logical explanation for it but…I don't know man, I just do what the muses think is funny._

"What the hell?" Rin muttered.

Rei squinted at the letters. "I wonder if this means we can communicate with whoever this 'Rag-chan' is."

The screen flashed again.

 _You sure can. And as an apology for the inconvenience, I'll send you a present._

The wall nearest Rin's side of the room rattled then spun on a full 180, revealing several carts laden with food, ranging from treats and snacks to full course meals. Nagisa leapt to his feet. He pointed at the wall and addressed his words to the screen. "Does that lead to where we came from?"

 _Maaaaaaaybeeee…but really, if you went through there you'll break something that I've made already quite fragile and I think it'll only get crazy from there._

Nagisa frowned. "What will we break?"

 _The fourth wall._

The screen colored again, with a play button in the middle, indicating the conversation was over. A collective exhale swept through the room. No one moved.

Then Nagisa shrugged and strode over to the cart, picking up a large bowl of popcorn and violently drizzling a container of butter all over it. He carried the bowl back to where he was sitting on the floor and took a handful, before settling it in Rei's lap. The others stared at him.

"What?" He asked. "We might as well get comfortable."

Makoto piped up. "Are you sure you want to eat what some mysterious force just gave us?" He shivered.

Nagisa shrugged. "I'm pretty certain she isn't dangerous, and besides…"

He gestured to Rei, who finished the sentence tiredly. "…free food."

Haru poked Makoto on the shoulder. "I can't see. Is there any mackerel?"

Makoto straightened up. "In fact, I think there is. Quite a lot of it too."

Haru made to get up but Makoto grabbed his arm. "Don't you find it at least a little creepy that she knows what your favorite food is?"

Haru shrugged. "She's seen the videos too." He gave Makoto the tiniest sliver of a smile. "You can hold off eating so someone can call poison control." He paused then added, "team mom."

Makoto suspected he was being teased. Everyone but Makoto got up and piled up paper plate their host had so graciously provided and collected utensils. They settled into their seats, and Rin gestured for Makoto to start the video, which he did, albeit still mourning the appearance of the food.

 **Basically, Ms. Amakata, we need a faculty advisor for the swim club we want to start, and we think you're the best option.**

 **Swim club? But I teach literature.**

Nagisa shrugged. "There's a point to that."

 **Al-right, so I didn't wanna have to do this right at the start but I represent a certain mutual acquaintance. One…Easter Dave?**

Makoto, the walking rewind button, piped up. "He was the guy that 'found' Nagisa a whole bunch of TiVos."

Rei rubbed his chin. "I wonder how shady he is. And if he might actually be someone in this show we haven't seen yet."

Nagisa frowned. "Maybe."

 **Alright you little rat, I'll start your stupid swim club but you tell Easter Dave that he and I are even. I'm stealing some chemistry equipment for some stuff and I can't have you small-time hoods messing that up.**

 **Deal.**

 **Awesome. Wait what just happened?**

 **Bizness.**

"So drugs."

"Yeah."

"Just making sure everyone got that."

 **(Flip to samezuka)**

 **(Oddly attractive voice of the desk guy, props to the VAs)**

 **A guy with emotional issues who swims away his problems? Lady that's the whole team, you're gonna have to be more specific.**

Rin slammed his hand on his chair arm. "I take offense to that. Most of the Samezuka team is composed of people who are perfectly sound emotionally."

Makoto frowned slightly. "Most."

"Yeah, most."

An awkward silence fell. Rin crossed his arms and turned his head away. "At least it's better than you guys," he mumbled.

Nagisa sat up. "Who on our team isn't?"

Everyone but him raised their hands.

 **He's six two and has teeth like a shark.**

 **That could be anyone.**

Rin leaned forward and paused the video. He then turned to the others. "Do my teeth really look that sharp? I mean, they're a little pointier than normal but really, is there anything to give their argument water?" He opened his mouth.

Haru leaned out of his chair and over onto Makoto's, half and half on each of the chairs. He completely missed his friend's squeal of surprise, then pain as Haru's sharp elbows dug into his thighs.

Haru stared for a moment then his face did this weird thing that made Rin want to punch him, where only his eyebrows moved, and just one at that, squinting downward in something akin to pity. His voice, when it came, was hesitant. "Well, some of the ones next to your incisors are a little pointy."

Rin closed his mouth with a snap. "I chipped those doing flip-turns too close to the wall, that doesn't make them shark teeth," he complained (A/N: this is an actually true thing that happened to me).

Nagisa's eyes grew wide and innocent. "Eye of the beholder Rin."

Rin's eyes narrowed at him but Nagisa's big wobbly globes didn't falter. He made a little noise, like the baby cousin of a hmm and Rin had to let him go. "Whatever."

A silence fell where everyone tried to avoid regarding Rin from the corners of their eyes. But Rin noticed, and leaned forward to passive-aggressively slam the play button.

 **(A door opens and Ko walks onto deck regardless of needing permission.)**

 **(Freaky breathy intake of breath)**

 **(Blatant ogling of the Samezuka swimmers)**

 **Muscles! Traps! Pecs! I ship them, them, they hate each other…but they also $$$$ each other.**

Rin's eyebrows rose. "Woah. Fujoshi alert."

 **(Samezuka captain walks up showing cleavage like a boss)**

 **Hey we try not to get this part of the gym wet so whatever you're doing is going to have to stop.**

Even Rei laughed at that one.

"Keep it in your pants sis!" Rin yelled at the screen.

 **Ha ha ha. I'm looking for my brother, Matsuoka Rin.**

 **Rin…oh six two, shark teeth, cries when you call him B#tchbaby?**

 **Yeah that's him.**

 **Yeah we were hazing him into the swim team but he cried and ran after the paddling.**

Makoto side-eyed Rin. "Sounds a little more…violent…than typical team initiation. I mean, we didn't do anything because there was only four of us but generally anyone who's late has to swim the warmup butterfly, not get beaten."

Rei looked up at him. "I fail to see how that counts as a punishment?"

Nagisa eyed Rei's naturally well-developed shoulder muscles and groaned in jealousy. "Then you can swim the whole practice butterfly. I'm not touching that demon stroke."

Rei glanced over at the vicious tone, a bit concerned.

 **Yeah that's…him.**

 **So, you wanna come back to my place, listen to some Dave Mathews, maybe talk about my workout routine?**

 **(Back to Iwatobi with no warning at all)**

 **After pulling some strings, I got your club approved.**

 **Yeah.**

 **Great.**

 **But you're going to need a fourth member and do…one more thing.**

 **(Shot of the derelict pool with vultures cawing in the background)**

 **Clean this.**

"This seems true to reality."

 **Wonder if that stuff I hid is still here? Nah, cops probably took it.**

"And there it goes."

 **Haru and Makoto: uuuuuuhhh**

 **(They turn to leave but are grabbed with suspicious force)**

 **The $$$$ you think you're going?**

 **I believe we had an arrangement.**

 **Uuuuuuhhhhh**

 **(Overly happy music plays over a montage of the pool being cleaned)**

 **(Nagisa throws a packet of weed onto the pile)**

Makoto held up a hand. "Hold up, I saw that."

Nagisa caught the dangling carrot without even looking up. "I'm sorry mom. I promise I'll quit after my next hit."

Makoto's face fell along with his hand, smacking Haru in the back. From his place mashed face-first into the arm of Makoto's chair there came a muffled "owww."

 **(They are shown driving in a car to a supply store called Iwatobi Dolphins)**

 **I'm not going in.**

 **Haru I told you, there aren't any dolphins inside.**

 **Do you know? Do you know for sure, because I don't need another incident.**

 **(Pure fanservice shot slowly scrolling down Haru's body as he unbuttons his shirt and tries to step into a fish tank. There is a censorship box over his crotch that truly doesn't need to be there A/N: not like that, he was wearing swim trunks in the original!)**

Haru narrowed his eyes at the screen. He looked up at the ceiling. "Really?"

"Who are you talking to Haruka-sempai?"

"Rag-chan. I assume she can see us somehow."

 **(Nagisa holds up a picture of a rapper as a test poster. Makoto makes a noncommittal face. Haru draws water porn. The art club, (all shockingly good-looking, underdeveloped characters), freak out and try to kidnap Haru but Nagisa and Makoto hold them back)**

 **(More pool maintenance then Makoto on a roof with the most adorable little orange lunch box all tied up in a bow)**

 **Haru? I got your favorite, mackerel. At least, I think it's your favorite. Hmmm?**

 **(Birds eye view shot of Haru. A/N: hey I just passed a film quiz)**

 **Look at him. Working hard, all sweaty. He doesn't even know I'm watching him. Yeaaaaaah.**

 **(Zipper noise)**

"Ewwww ewww ewwww oh god!" Everyone began screaming.

To Makoto's relief Haru didn't move from his position strewn across Makoto's lap but he did use the proximity to smack him on the shoulder, hard.

Nagisa was rocking back and forth making swishing motions over his head. "Bleach, bleach, bleach it out. It's as if you never heard it."

Rei frowned quizzically at him. "Why do you need bleach?"

"To wash out my brain."

"Or to drink," came Rin's voice.

"Both, both, both is good," returned Makoto.

 **Look, all I'm saying is, we've done all the work. The least you can do is go down to 7-11 and get us some slushies, and a carton of cigarettes. Menthols. Please.**

 **Nagisa if I get out of this chair I guarantee you'll end up in one with wheels.**

 **Ok. I'll admit. I'm a little threatened. D &mn. **

**Isn't this great? It's just like when we were younger. Remember that time we went to my house and….**

 **(His voice fades into the background)**

"That was rude Haru," Makoto said, a little hurt.

Haru blinked steadily at him for a moment then intoned, "Sorry mom. I'll try to pay more attention when you're talking."

Makoto just chose not to respond. After everything he supposed he owed Haru a couple of digs.

 **Painting sure is fun.**

 **You know what else is fun? Killing your best friend.**

Haru sat up and exchanged looks with the rest of the group. Maybe they'd learn more about Haru's multiple personality disorder.

 **That doesn't sound fun at all Haru.**

 **Well how would you know? All you do is swim Haru!**

 **I think Haru is right, we should branch out in our hobbies Haru.**

Rin actually laughed at this one, despite being in absolutely no position to talk.

Rei pushed his glasses a little higher on his nose. "Thus far I have counted about three personalities," he reported. "A normal but quiet one, a crazy one, and a funny one. We'll have to keep track of them."

Nagisa perked up. "We should give them names. Like the normal one will be Haru, the crazy one will be Yaboku, and the funny one can be Rin."

"I take offense to that, Nagisa."

"Oh, no sorry. Rin as in Rin Okumura. From Ao No Exorcist. You know?"

Rin nodded, mollified.

The video paused on its own and a message from Rag-chan appeared on screen.

 _Stop referencing anime! You're putting cracks in the fourth wall!_

Rin cracked his knuckles and half stood out of his chair. "We'll see about that."

Nagisa leaned over and pulled on his ankle. "We might want to listen to this. Even she seems kind of scared of this fourth wall."

Rin reluctantly sat down.

 **Oh Sh-t (dolphin noise). Haru, Makoto's stopped talking. He wants you to respond. Say something stupid.**

 **(No longer internal monologue) I wasn't thinking about killing you.**

 **Awww. Thank you (In the most oddly sincere voice I've ever heard)**

 **Nailed it.**

The whole group slumped in their chairs. The food had made them sleepy, and keeping up with something so insane wasn't easy (A/N: you're telling me?) They may need a moment to recover before the next video.

 **Author's note: hey hey hey friends. So sorry this is hecka late and but I'm so glad this is getting such a good response and so many people are requesting me to update. I love you all. However, I do actually have an excuse this time for my long absence! One word: NaNoWriMo. Or maybe that's one acronym but hey, splitting hairs. Anyway, I was out for a super long time writing lots of chapter updates for that and had to hold off updating all of my fics for a bit. But it is December and that is over. Other than finals, let the fanfic commence!**

 **Thank you for reading, hope you enjoy, and, as always, please R &R, comment, kudo, or subscribe if you like this story. They are like little hugs and kisses I get to enjoy throughout my day. **

**You can find me on tumblr ragingstillness.**


	7. Chapter 7

For a couple minutes the only sound was that of the boys chowing down on the provided food. All but Makoto, of course, who had come to terms with his Team Momness.

Nagisa popped another piece of inhumanly buttered popcorn into his mouth and leaned his head back, looking at the others.

"I've, mm~, been meaning to say this for a while, smack~, but isn't my character's voice racist?"

Rin nodded, arms folded.

"At first it was just funny because of how deep it is, but it shouldn't be funny because it's racist."

He looked around the room. The others sat in solidarity, none of them laughing. Even Haru looked a bit pissed off.

Makoto stewed in his quiet anger, then sighed and looked vaguely upward.

"Can you change that?"

Another one of Rag-chan's messages popped up on the screen.

 _Sorry guys, these videos aren't mine. Believe me, I want to change it too._

Rin sat up straighter.

"They aren't yours?!" He exchanged worried looks with Makoto. "Then whose are they?"

 _I've told you this man, fourth. Wall._

"I'll leave you with four fingers on each hand if you don't explain."

 _These two dudes. I can't tell you anything else babe. Seriously, do you want random stuff running around your world? I mean, * sigh * this is real hard to explain. Basically, if you break the fourth wall, characters and pieces of the books and movies you watch will begin showing up in your world. You could get killed! And eventually your entire universe will collapse. I've seen it happen._

"What the f-" Rin began. "Who in the world are you!"

 _That would be telling wouldn't it?_

A play button appeared on the screen. Rin's frustrated scream was drowned out in the cries of fear from the others.

Nagisa turned to Rei. "Is it even possible for our universe to collapse? I thought we still had a couple billion years until the sun explodes. And by that time I was hoping we'd be in another universe."

Rei frowned. "I'm not sure. She doesn't tend to make a lot of sense. But I sense we're getting closer to knowing what's going on." He leaned closer to Nagisa's ear to whisper. "We just have to trick her into revealing it." (A/N: Good luck suckers!)

Nagisa nodded. He got up and whispered the plan to Rin, Makoto, and Haru. They grumbled a bit but came around to the idea.

Makoto let out another sigh, looking at the screen.

"We might as well watch another one. Maybe it'll lighten the mood at least."

There was no word for or against the idea. Haru beat Makoto to pressing the play button and they had no choice in the matter.

 **(Ko pops up immediately, carrying a bag)**

 **Sup B#tches?**

 **(Makoto and Haru are sitting side by side off in the corner doing…nothing, it looks like)**

 **Oh hey it's Goa! How many guys you pair up in your head on the way here? Also, come help with the pool.**

 **Nine. (Beat) and $$$$ that.**

 **What is it with all these people wrecking my game today?**

Rei raised an eyebrow. "Nine?"

Rin snorted. "My sister's more of an otaku than I thought."

Nagisa squinted at the screen. "Also, nine? He said 'pair' up, but it seems like there's at least one threesome going on here."

Makoto and Haru looked vaguely confused.

 **(Flip to the locker rooms and Nagisa passed out on a bench, and Haru looking intently at whatever he's doing off screen.)**

Makoto frowned. "That's illegal. No locker rooms have security cameras."

"It wouldn't be the first time they invaded our privacy." Nagisa commented. "It is nice to an extent to know Rag-chan didn't create these videos. I'd be a little more creeped out to be speaking to a pervert."

"Then again, she is making us watch them, so who knows?" Rin grumbled.

 **Nagisa…we might want to put someone else in charge of recruitment.**

 **Hey I'm doing my best ok?**

 **(Flip to the penguin on Nagisa's kickboard that he then pulls away from a face wearing goggles and a cap…indoors.)**

 **(A/N: this is uncomfortable. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience.)**

 **Hey there suckers, you look like you wanna join the swim club, eh?**

 **Aren't you that guy that drowned a kid? And burned down that building? And sells whip-its under the bleachers?**

Makoto giggled just slightly. The others gave him disapproving looks.

"Hey! I was just remembering that was a reference to that kid Shinji who Nagisa apparently killed."

Nagisa snapped his fingers. "Yeah, you're right. Perversion aside, at least whoever created these has a handle on continuity."

Rin moaned. "God, lack of continuity in a show is the worst."

There was a chorus of agreeing mumbles. Haru piped up.

"I once watched a show where everyone was on a blimp and then they got sucked into a random submarine in the middle of the series only to get back on the blimp and continue as if nothing had happened for the rest of the series."

Makoto nodded. "Oh yeah, I know that one. I never understood why it happened," he mused.

 **(A/N: I just looked up what a whip-it is. Thanks for doing interesting things to my internet history 50% off. And no, dear readers, I'm not going to tell you what it is. What? Look it up for yourself)**

"Anyway," Rin continued. "What's a whip-it?"

Makoto clapped. "Wait, I know this one; I looked it up for a project once." He spread his hands and turned in his chair to capture everyone's attention. "They're these little canisters of Nitrous Oxide that you can get high off of."

Rei frowned."Why call them Whip-its?"

"Because often they're made of whipped cream bottles."

"Oh," said everyone.

Rei shrugged. "The more you know."

 **(Back to Nagisa on the bench)**

 **That one guy seemed kind of interested.**

 **What happened?**

 **Hey hey sweet thang you look like you wanna join the swim club is that right?**

 **(Sudden Rei! Pushing up his glasses, with his neon green backpack straps that make me jealous and simultaneously clash horrendously with the rest of his coloring)**

Rei slapped the floor. "Finally! It's about time I was in this."

Nagisa side-eyed him. "Are you sure, Rei-chan? It may not be a good thing."

Rei's joy froze. "Yeah," he began. "Maybe not." He looked over at his companion on the floor. "And you called me 'sweet thang?'"

Nagisa buried his face in his knees. "That's not a good sign," he muttered.

Nothing more was said. The pair sat in trepidation.

 **I can't remember.**

 **Eh, too bad.**

 **Hey Kid n' Play! (A/N: Actually a hip-hop group interestingly enough) You were assigned to fix up this pool to distract the teachers from my…, 'extra-credit chemistry work.' Now get back to it before you learn a lesson in post-war urban torture practices!**

 **Yes ma'am.**

 **Wonderful (voice back to normal) Remember, snitches get stitches.**

Makoto groaned. "Why is Ms. Amakata still cooking drugs?"

No one had an answer.

 **(Ko walks up to Makoto, who is painting a fence with his overall top tied around his waist which is just unfair in terms of hotness. Like, only Fifth Harmony is allowed to do that. No. Stahp.)**

 **Hey, I've been meaning to ask, why didn't you guys start a club as freshmen?**

 **We tried, Haru didn't want to. I told him like fifteen times he'd get to go in the pool and then he just locked himself in the bathroom. Took me hours to break his lock. I think Rin really got to him.**

 **Really? Rin? My brother, playing headgames with Haru?**

 _Roll credits._

Rin jabbed a finger at the screen. "What credits?"

 _Sorry, busy breaking my own fourth wall._

"You frigging hypocrite."

 **(Jump to Rin, staring at an old picture of his dad)**

 **Ha ha, look at this guy. One tooth? What an idiot. That's why I'm the best.**

"Back off my teeth!"

There was a silence.

"And my dad's memory! Is nothing sacred?"

 **(Back to Ko and Makoto)**

 **Are you sure?**

 **I think so, I mean, he beat Haru when they raced the other night.**

"Oh now they're going to show it," Rin complained.

 **I guess that makes sense. My brother is an idiot savant when it comes to swimming. He has shoes with velcro.**

Rin grimaced at the screen. "What's wrong with velcro? And for your information I wear Crocs on deck, not velcro."

One of Haru's eyebrows rose and his eyes widened; the Haru equivalent of horrified shock.

"What?" Rin demanded.

Haru just shook his head and turned away, murmuring something that sounded like "Crocs?" and "Where did you go wrong?"

Makoto cast a sympathetic look at Rin. "Are you feeling alright?"

Rin bristled. "I'm fine. Why?"

Makoto shook his head as Haru did. "Everyone knows that you wear Adidas flip flops on deck. Crocs are just…* sigh * crocs. Good Lord Rin."

"WHAT IS YOUR ISSUE WITH CROCS!"

 **(A/N: I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't wear anything on deck.)**

 **Yeah, but he swims like nothing I've ever seen!**

 **(Flashback to the pool)**

 **(Overly stylized water that makes swimming actually look fun. Zoom out to a length the pool simply cannot be, even if they're doing 100 free long course.)**

Rag-chan's swimming fact corner: Most low level swim races are swum long course or short course. Long course means going from one end to the other is 50 meters. Short course means from one end to the other is 25 meters. On a long course you have less flip turns off the wall but longer to swim in a straight line. It's a preference thing.

 **They're so fast.**

 **Rin's pulling ahead though. I think. Is Rin the jet-plane firing out unicorns, or the gun with my mother's face?**

 **Nagisa how much of that stuff did you have?**

 **I don't remember man! I don't even remember who I am!**

Rin laughed, despite still being torn up about the Crocs. "He must have taken some of those whip-its."

Haru gave Rin a flat look. "Come now, Rin. Nagisa only sells that low quality stuff."

 **(Rin's thoughts)**

 **D &mmit, he's so fast. He must be laser-focused in. The only thing on Haru's mind right now is this race.**

Rin snorted. "How much do you bet he isn't?"

Nagisa raised a hand to pillow his head. "I'll go in on that."

 **(Flip to Haru, mentally singing a weird mashup of Disney Duck Tales and Life Is Like A Hurricane)**

 **~Life is like a hurricane, here in, duck bird-~**

 **They're making the final turn!**

 **(More singing) Never fails, wohoo!- Haru**

 **(Simultaneously) Now's my chance!- Rin**

 **Come on Haru you can do me! IT! You can do it!**

Makoto sunk into his chair. "Not again."

Rin grinned and leaned over the edge of his chair. "It's back~" he sing-songed.

 **I heard that one.**

 **Shut up, you're high as balls.**

Rin slapped his knee. "Your honor, I'd like to enter that shade into the record."

 **Heh, yeah I am.**

 **(Smack noise on the touchpad but no clear result)**

 **(Back to the boys at the pool)**

"God&mmit!" Rin yelled. "Seriously?"

 **Heyo you telling that story about how Haru lost that race?**

 **Nagisa he's right there!**

 **Nah nah, homeboy's pulling a Rain Man right now. He can't hear me.**

Makoto frowned. "Gee, Nagisa is just a dumping ground for their moderately offensive comments."

Nagisa looked up. "Why is this one offensive?"

Haru spoke up. "Rain Man is a movie about a man who has autism."

Nagisa made a spitting noise in his throat. "Gee, that is rude."

 **Check this, check this. (Spooky voice)**

 **Haru~ we're not getting a season two~ see?**

Makoto laughed. "They're acting like our lives are a TV show."

Rin spoke up, chuckling as well. "Isn't that hilarious?"

Rei snorted. "What an idea!"

 **Haru: Haru they're talking about us again.**

 **Rin: Haru, shh. I am trying, to concentrate. Knight to Queen 4. Check.**

 **Haru: Haru this is checkers.**

 **Rin: I hate you! (door slam noise)**

Rin leaned over to poke Haru. "Do you have, like, a mind palace or something? Your brain has doors!"

Instead of rising to the jab, Haru looked Rin flat in the eyes. "They are plenty of things you don't know about me, Rin."

 **(Cut to Makoto's house where we see his inhumanly adorable twin siblings begin arguing while swearing like sailors)**

 **No it's mine! You can't have any!**

 **C'mon, give me the rice you B#tch!**

Makoto growled. "Ok, you can mess with me, and the rest of us, we're adults, we can take it, but nobody, but nooobody $$$$s with my siblings!"

 **You're just mad because Mom and Dad thought you were a girl for the first year of your life.**

 **Hey now, there's nothing wrong with that. Mom and Dad thought the same of me, and I turned out just fine right Dad?**

 **Right son, and speaking of crushing disappointments, they finally started tearing down your old swimming club.**

Rin snorted. "Rude, af."

Makoto waved a hand. "It's fine, my parents knew I was a boy before I was born. But, oddly enough, they didn't actually want to know for my siblings."

A suspicious silence fell over the room.

 **Wha?**

 **(Cut to the ruined club)**

 **So, it is true. (Makoto's inner voice is surprisingly mellow)**

 **Huh, it's a dang shame. You can't stop the wheels of time, kid. First they're tearing down swim clubs, next thing you know the PDA are knocking on my door, trying to take away my ostrich farm! What was I saying? Anyway, did you go to this club kid?**

"So coach is a conspiracy theorist? And a criminal?" Makoto sighed.

"Don't forget exhibitionist." Rei added.

"Exhibitionist?"

"They said PDA, you know, Public Displays of Affection."

"No, no, I think this time it's the Parenteral Drug Association. Because of the Ostriches."

 **Wait?!**

 **(Flashbacks of impossibly adorable versions of the swimmers, Haru looking slightly sullen but also slightly happier, with continued shots to the man in the back of all of the pictures. Creepy like sixteenth wall break here)**

 **(Mwahahahaha)**

 **Wha?**

 **Coach Sasabe?**

 **They're my ostriches!**

They sat quietly. Nagisa crunched the last of his popcorn. Rin spoke up, summarizing their thoughts.

"Well, it seems we're in for quite the ride."

 **Author's note: Ok, so I've overdosed a little on the "let's add actual plot to this." It's still crack, but at this point I'm just amusing myself by adding plot points. Hope you enjoy the ride with me.**

 **I do indeed think Nagisa's voice is racist, so I thought I might as well draw attention to it. From now on, I'll focus on the content if I think it's funny.**

 **Kudos to anyone who caught my obligatory shot at Yu-Gi-Oh and give me kudos if you thought it was funny. Also the line I straight up just paraphrased from YGOTAS itself. It was too appropriate to miss.**

 **I'm also breaking like, all sorts of fourth walls here, bopping into my own author's notes to break the fourth wall as well as referencing it in the story and writing myself into it. Well, that's crack for you. Let me know if it's getting too out of hand for you to keep up with.**

 **Please kudo, R &R, subscribe, or leave a comment if you enjoy this funny little story that has gotten attention beyond my wildest imagination. Find me on tumblr ragingstillness. **

**P.S. You all know what's coming up. Get ready for it, in the next episode.**


	8. Chapter 8

Rin slumped in his chair and groaned. Then he sat up, tried a different position, and groaned again. He repeated this about four times until shooting the ceiling a pointed look. Makoto leaned over, a little concerned.

"W-whatcha doing there Rin?"

The man in question scoffed and shot the ceiling a look that was a bit more anger-filled.

"I'm hoping that if she's watching us she'll change the chairs to something more comfortable. They look soft and the surface is, but they're so overstuffed it's like being forced to sit upright in a military academy."

"Ah."

A couple moments passed. Rin threw up his arms.

"Well? Are you going to change anything?"

A message popped up.

 _Sorry, sorry, busy catching up on Miraculous Ladybug. I have to concentrate more because I watch in the original French. Here, have a bit more of a comfortable atmosphere._

The room rumbled and shook, the walls and floor falling away under their feet. Everyone started yelling over each other. The chairs vanished and a bright light overtook the entire area and when it faded the area was indeed a bit more familiar but still unidentifiable. The chairs had become inflatable rafts, floating in a large pool. Makoto and Haru got an inflatable raft, Rin got a lounger, and, as they had been practically in each other's chairs anyway, Nagisa and Rei were sharing a larger circular raft.

Nagisa dipped his hand down into the water.

"It's real," he announced, awed. "We're actually in a giant pool now. And I know we weren't a couple of seconds ago."

He glanced up. The pool had sides but the deck didn't just stop. It continued to a bunch of trees and what looked like the backdoor of a building. Rin said what everyone was thinking, although he looked even crazier than before talking to the sky.

"What's stopping us from just jumping out of here?"

The television and DVD player were floating on separate rafts, somehow not shorting out.

 _Go ahead and try. I can only manipulate a certain amount of space at a time so at about….the edge of the deck, you'll just hit a wall. It's like The Truman Show!_

"The what?"

 _Never mind. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to them._

"WHO?"

 _Never mind. Ready for the next episode?_

Rin cracked his knuckles.

"Bring it, you crazy woman. If you can make me actually laugh on this one, you'll win back a little bit of my respect."

 _Gee, thanks a lot._

Haru snorted. Makoto cautiously crawled to the edge of the raft.

"I can't reach the DVD player from here."

 _Oops, don't worry I'll turn it on._

Rei raised his eyebrows.

"You mean you had the power to start it this whole time?"

 _Of course. I was just being nice and letting you guys control it. That way you can talk some of the stuff out. For someone who isn't used to this medium, it takes some getting used to._

"So what really is this series?"

 _Fine, a little hint…can't do that much damage to the fourth wall…I know mom! I've got it handled!_

"Your mom is in on this?"

 _Lol maybe. Here's the hint: there's a couple really popular ones for Yu-Gi-Oh, Code Geass, and Hellsing. Here._

Out of thin air their cell phones dropped into their laps.

 _I'll ask you not to use your cell phones during this feature presentation but afterwards you're free to look it up. Oh yeah, that's another gift, FREE WI-FI! Now let's get this party started!_

The play button appeared then disappeared and the show opened on a shot of Coach Sasabe's motorbike.

 **It's nice to see you as a young adult, kid. What with all the chemicals in the pool water. It'll make you craaazzzzyy. Anyway how's Haru?**

 **Uuuuuuhhhh…**

 **(Flash to haru in his bathtub. Again. With a little floating dolphin toy that I may just be about to spend all my money on. Whoop there it goes!)**

 **(zooms on what may be Haru's most attractive face to date) (To Date, get it?)**

 **You think you're better than me huh? Huh? I'll kill you, I'LL KILL YOU!**

"What does Haru have against dolphins?"

"I'm not sure."

The video paused suddenly and a message from Rag-chan scrolled across the screen at lightspeed then disappeared, restarting the video.

"What was that?" Rei questioned.

Rin squinted at the television. "It went by really fast but I caught something about 'explanation in the bonuses if I ever get to them.'"

Makoto's eyes widened. "There are extras for these things!?"

Nagisa swallowed hard. "Let's hope not."

 **(Flicks the nose of the dolphin)**

 **He's…..great!**

 **That's dang good to hear son. Hey, (suddenly shifty) you wanna help me with something?**

Nagisa clapped his hands together. "Let him not be in cahoots with my alter, let him not be in cahoots with my alter, let him….."

 **(Actual giant puppy makoto doesn't pick up on it) Sure coach, what do you need?**

 **Eh nothing too big. You got an aversion to pepper spray champ?**

Makoto sighed. "So much for that hope, Nagisa."

 **Cut suddenly to a road overlooking the sea and Makoto standing much too close to the road as a car goes by and much too close to the edge to be doing anything but contemplating how horrible his life is. What with all that swimming…**

"You're standing awfully close to the edge of that cliff sempai." Rei spoke up.

"And that road," Nagisa added.

Makoto's mouth dropped open. Off to the side Rin waved his hands in a big X motion. "You don't out-mom the Mom Friend, you just don't!" He hissed.

 **(Telephone rings)**

 **Hello?**

 **Hey Nagisa, coach tried to get me to vandalize a police station again, can I get a ride home?**

"Yes!" Nagisa punched the air. "He's doing different illegal things!"

There was a silence. Nagisa wilted a bit.

 **Sorry man, I don't have a car.**

 **What! You picked me up from ballroom dance lessons last week?**

"Which gave me the physical skills I need to strangle you with my feet Rag-chan."

 _I've told you babe, I didn't make these._

 **Yeah. I rode that thing to Juno and rented it to the Duncan brothers. (Panicked) where's the gun? Where's the gun?! I gotta go man this is getting real. Nagisa out!**

 **Ahhhh, good thing I wore my heelies.**

The boys began whooping.

"Good lord man, do you remember heelies? Those things were the sh-t!" Rin exclaimed.

Makoto tilted the raft precariously to give him a high-five.

"Absolutely. Haru, you had a pair, didn't you?"

Haru nodded.

"I'm not sure I still have them though."

Nagisa sighed.

"They were amazing."

Rei frowned.

"I regret not experiencing them."

Nagisa gasped.

"What! First Looney Toons now Heelies! Rei you poor deprived child."

He lowered his eyelids and laid a hand on his heart.

"Fellow athletes, let us now make a pledge that when we get out of here we will help Rei have the childhood he deserves."

Rin, Haru, and Makoto nodded solemnly. Rei rolled his eyes.

 **(Cut to blue sky with no explanation of whether Makoto ever got home. Judging by his family, I'm not sure it matters)**

 **(Haru has two little blushies. For no apparent reason)**

 **All of that exhausting work is finished. I'm glad it's over.**

 **What work! I had to fill the whole thing up with a hose!**

 **Haha, hose. I get it.**

 **Shut up.**

"I'm a little confused. Is that a phallic joke or a pun on the word hoes?" Nagisa shrugged.

"Why are you asking me, I have no idea."

 **(1/2: In this shot we can see blocks on both sides of the pool, one with the number six on them. Judging by the location, the pool clearly has more than six lanes)**

 **Haru, look, water.**

"Who is that one?"

"Rin I think. He's the one with the light voice."

"I still wish he wasn't named after me."

"That's rough buddy."

 **Haru we can't get in.**

"And that's Haru. The flat, bland voice."

"Rude. Unfriended."

"How dare you!? Friend request!"

"De-nied."

"Friend request!"

"Blocked."

"$$$$ you."

 **Yeah it's probably too cold. We'll get sick-Rin**

 **You know what I'm sick of? All your sh-t Haru! I'm assuming direct control!**

"Woop, there goes the crazy train. That's Yaboku."

"Why do we care, what is he doing to my head?!"

 **(Same time)**

 **Haru no!-Haru**

 **Come on, give me that!-Yaboku**

 **Oh my god he's got a gun!-?**

"Jesus-"

 **(Gunshot)**

"Holy snap what just happened?"

"Am I dead? Did I just die?"

"And who was that new voice?"

"Literally so confused right now."

"Stop saying literally when you don't mean literally."

"But I do mean it!"

 **Everyone, step away from the brain-Haru**

 **He shot Haru!-?**

 **That's right, I'm in change now.-Yaboku**

 **(This all takes place with little to no change in Haru's expression)**

"OK, pause."

"No kidding."

Makoto scrubbed a hand down his face then leaned back, precariously rocking his inflatable. Silence fell. He moved the hand that had been shading him from the sun to find the entire group looking at him.

"What?"

"Help us Team Mom. You're our only hope."

Makoto groaned and flopped back again. He collected his thoughts.

"Shall we handle the small bits first?"

There was a chorus of overwhelmed Yes'.

"What are we calling the new guy?"

"Well if we go off the trend of black hair, blue eyes, we're somewhat limited in our choices."

Nagisa slapped his fist into his palm.

"I know! Sugino!"

Rei raised an eyebrow.

"From Assassination Classroom?"

Nagisa gaped at him.

"I knew your childhood wasn't completely hopeless."

He scrambled forward, practically climbing into Rei's lap as the water under his feet made the raft surface slippery.

"Did you cry at the end? Which student is your favorite? A-class or E-class? Did you catch the satirical commentaries on the nature of evaluating self worth numerically?"

Rei blinked. He only managed to begin an "Um," when Rin jumped in.

"We're getting off topic. The panicky one is Sugino. Now can someone explain what just happened in Haru's brain?"

"Well, if we're going off of him having DOD, one of his personalities just killed another."

"Yikes!"

Rei leaned back on the raft, trailing his fingers in the water.

"Actually, it used to be the focus of therapy for DOD to try to amalgamate the personalities but as that has been shown to make patients feel like the therapists were trying to kill parts of them, the focus has changed to helping the personalities to coexist."

Makoto nodded.

"Makes more sense. Poor Haru."

He patted Haru's shoulder. Haru rolled his eyes but didn't move.

"Mental disorders are rough to deal with but they don't diminish the value of the person."

Rin nodded.

"Agreed."

The water lapped at the bottoms of the rafts.

"Now that's cleared up, should be keep going? Having Yaboku in charge can't be good for Haru."

"Yup."

The screen started up again.

 **Haru? We're gonna throw the tablets in the water now.**

 **Yes. I am Haru.-Yaboku**

 **Ooh that's probably not good.**

"Very helpful Makoto. I can feel the love."

"You already know."

"Know what exactly?"

"Nothing."

 **Hey!**

 **(Small white tablets fly into the pool)**

 **Man this is great, it's too bad Rin ain't here. I miss old shark zone.**

 **I tried calling him before I called you last night. He didn't answer.**

"You called him before me? I feel offended."

"Hey don't blame me for preferring emotional damage to potentially riding in a getaway car."

"I don't believe you! You like Rin better than me."

"I suppose the truth is out. Rin and I are in an exclusive Bromance. I'm sorry we didn't tell you earlier. It seemed like such a big step."

 **(Cut to Rin lying on his bed singing)**

 **~I came in like a wrecking ball! I never hit so hard in love~**

"My girl Miley!"

"Really? Even now?"

"Eh, I prefer her earlier stuff but her music isn't awful."

"Fair."

 **A green jacket flies across the screen.**

 **Haru wait! The water's too cold!**

 **Oh god, his muscles, yeeeeesssss he's so hot but so crazy, which makes him even more hot. (Sparkles around Haru's muscles as he strips his shirt off in slow motion)(Ko appears to be glowing)**

"Again with the Haru's-hot-good-God. I swear, if we don't get some love soon, I'ma force feed him junk food."

Haru grimaced.

"You'd better not."

"It isn't as though Mackerel is very healthy if you eat it every day."

Haru's hair fell over his eyes.

"How. Dare. You."

 **Back off I already called dibs like five years ago.**

Rei and Nagisa giggled. Makoto looked over at them.

"What?"

"'I just walked into this party and someone called dibs.'" They started laughing again. Makoto still looked confused.

"It's an outdated meme from TFLN," Nagisa explained.

Rin sighed.

"Ah TFLN, giving us quality meme material for fandoms since 1999."

"Really?"

Rin snorted.

"No idea. I'm just guessing."

 **You at how happy he is. Like an insane dolphin who's gonna die of hypothermia.**

 **Haru get out!**

 **Nah man you let him into his zone. What did I tell you about letting him into his zone?!**

 **You said don't let him into his zone!**

 **I know what I said.**

 **(2/2 But in this shot we see the six on the other side of the pool, from an angle when they were standing on the long side which one, blocks never go on the long side, and two, the only possible angle they could get on this would imply the sixth lane is the last one, which, as I mentioned before, is impossible)**

 **(Nagisa on the bus)**

 **Damn, we need another member. And I need to get rid of these stupid bird keychains. Maybe if I weather them a bit and call them antiques I can pawn 'em. Nah, I'll just put them on my Etsy store.**

 **(The politest and most posh throat clearing ever heard)**

Rei sat up.

"I remember this. This is the first time I really met you, Nagisa-kun."

Makoto awwed.

"That's cute."

Nagisa nodded.

"It kind of was. I mean, he rejected my swim team request but otherwise I would never have found out he ran to school."

"And so begun the friendship of a lifetime."

"Epic Bromance material."

"I'm kind of excited to see what they do with it. There's little to exploit in meet-cutes."

"Yup. Nothing at all."

"I'm absolutely sure of it."

"Now you've got me interested. I can't wait."

 **~Booty, booty, booty, rocking everywhere, rocking everywhere, found you, Miss new booty, get it together and bring it back to me, hit the player's club, for about a month or two~**

 **(Camera moves up from Rei's waist to his face) (flip to Nagisa's statically happy expression) (zoom in to his face and how attractive he is) (back to Nagisa, zoom) (back to Rei with two little Snoop Doggs wax on wax off and the red sparkly WordArt 'Hottie Alert')**

 **B#tch you gonna be mine.**

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

Rin's raucous laughter cut over Nagisa's yell.

"Oh my god that was beautiful! Good lord bless thank you jesus thank you Obama!"

He clapped his hands together.

"Praise be!"

"-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

Rei was frozen in horror.

"-OOOOOooooo! The dream has died! Died! Shattered against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! Betrayed! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow!"

Rin howled with laughter.

"Shame, shame be upon you, creators, and you Rag-chan!"

 _Why me?_

"Because you deserve it!"

 _True._

"How could you?!"

Nagisa face planted on the raft, smashing his cheek against the wet surface.

"I can never face you again, Rei-chan. I apologize for everything. It's been fun guys, just let me here to die."

Rei's eyes widened and he turned, rocking Nagisa's back with his hands.

"It's not your fault, Nagisa-kun! It's going to be ok, please don't die!"

Makoto leaned dangerously off his raft.

"Is he alright?"

Rin peered over.

"Yeah he's fine, just embarrassed."

But Rei would hear none of it and continued shaking Nagisa with increasing panic. Nagisa just moaned and leaned into the shoves, refusing to budge. The next events happened in slow motion.

Rei's foot slipped out from under him, he fell atop Nagisa, and then the weight of both boys was on one half of the raft. The result was unavoidable.

The two boys came up sputtering, hair plastered to their head and Rei's glasses hanging from an ear. But the little dip had cooled their heads. When they got back up Nagisa's cheeks were still flushed but they were calm. Rei sighed.

"We should probably just let it play out."

He shot a pitying glance Haru and Makoto's way.

"It can't be anywhere near as bad as what we've already seen."

Haru snorted quietly. With a huff Nagisa relented. The video continued.

 **I beg your pardon?**

 **Nothing, nothing~ ey you're Ryugazaki right? Can I ask you something?**

 **I assume by the 23 recruiting posters and 34…swimsuit…bird things in your bag you were going to ask me to join the swim team.**

 **Yeah but-**

 **-I'm sorry but I already joined track. (A/N: Ah the bane of swimmers everywhere)**

 **But I-**

 **And my stop is coming up in 3.4 seconds so you'd have to make the pitch, real quick.**

"Lol. 3.4 get it? Pi. Because Rei's a nerd."

"I wear the title with pride."

 **Alright so swim team right?**

 **There it is. Good day.**

 **Hey wait I was actually gonna ask you what size collar you wear. Come on, let me get them digits baby. Let's make this a thing. Oh my god look at him run. Ahhh it should be illegal to be that fine. Oh yeah, work them legs. (The girls next to him at looking at him real weird)**

"I was wrong."

"What about?"

Rei's lip curled.

"This is worse than anything we've seen yet."

 **'Sup boys. I was just rooting around in the garbage at this boy's house and I found this.**

 **What were you doing in his garbage?**

 **…smelling stuff.**

 **We've all been there.**

"Um no, we aren't all stalkers/yanderes."

"None of us even look like Yuno Gasai."

"We do not speak the she-witch's name. That was a dark time in my life."

 **(Sudden Haru rudely takes the paper on a gym from Ko's hands)**

 **Crap. What does this say?-Haru**

 **I don't know Haru. One of you shot the Haru that can read!-Sugino**

"Well that just-…sucks."

 **Why don't we ask Makoto?-Haru**

 **No! Then Nagisa will laugh at us.-Sugino**

 **Haru I-**

 **I know what it says. I can read.** ** _I can't read._**

It was the first joke everyone laughed at in a long time. The rafts sloshed back and forth.

 **Then we should ask Miho about recruiting another member.**

"Since when do we call Ms. Amakata, Miho?"

"Huh, maybe this is a clue. Aside from the English, this has to be made by someone from a Western society. Only they'd be so informal with a teacher."

"We're getting closer to the truth!"

 _Good luck Carmen Sandiego._

"Shut up."

 **Yeah, we can do it.**

 **(Cut to the teacher's lounge)**

 **You can't do it.**

 **Balls. (Nagisa wilts visibly)**

Again everyone laughed. The comedic timing was really just so skilled on some of the jokes that they couldn't stop.

 **Blah blah blah you need another member. Blah blah blah can you kids just leave? I've got like a million papers to grade. And then I have to talk to a guy about some…math work.**

 _Gah when I watched the original that's kind of how I felt about this scene. It just dragged the storyline…wait…oops._

The message disappeared.

"Hold up what original?"

"What scene?"

"What storyline?"

 _Nothing nothing lol just forget it ever happened hahahahah._

 **Math?**

 **Oh just basic addition and subtraction. He was subtracting from my profits, so I'm going to add a few extra holes in him.**

"Janie's got a gun."

"God help us."

 **Ugh, so we need four members to swim at the gym year round then. Haru?**

 **(dramatic light on Haru)**

 **Haru activate protocol Blackbird, 3-3-5-Haru**

 **This doesn't seem like the time for polka renditions of Ke$ha songs.-Sugino**

 **No.** ** _3_** **-3-5.-Haru**

 **Oh yeah that one. Do that one.-Yaboku**

 **(Haru leaves in the middle of a convo. A/N: Gee I wish I could do that)**

 **Haru?**

 **Uh oh, looks like Haru's in a fey mood. Somebody get him a turtle shell and some silk.**

Nagisa coughed hysterically on his laugh.

"What the heck is that a reference to?"

 **(Haru skids out of the classroom with literal smoke coming off his feet)**

 **Nagisa, should we stop him?**

 **He'll be fine. Look at him making new pals.**

 **(A shadow falls over the middle of Haru's face and his voice deepens)**

"You sure about that Nagisa?"

 **Hello fellow students.**

"That doesn't sound good."

 **Hmm?**

 **Huh?**

 **(Suddenly Haru is holding one of the creepy bird keychains.)**

 **Join, swimming, bird team…**

 **Alright stop him before he hurts himself.**

"Or them. Goodness sakes."

Rin sat back.

"Well that was an adventure."

His arms stretched into the blue sky. Haru's eyes peeked over his folded arms. Makoto was sitting next to him, crisscross applesauce. He looked like a statue against the sky.

Nagisa and Rei were still lying close together despite their revelation. It was heartening to see. Maybe he shouldn't have been so embarrassed by what people he didn't even know thought of him and Makoto. He sighed and moved imperceptibly closer to Makoto's leg. That would do for now.

 **Author's note:**

 **Geez Louise it has been a while. I had some serious tests and the end of my school year and sports season and other fandoms but otherwise I have no excuse. This is my personal favorite episode and I hope I did ok. I hope you laughed and I hope I avoided being offensive. Let me know if you liked this! Thank you to the tons of ppl who have stuck with me and sent me literally the nicest comments no matter how late I am with chapters. I love you guys and you keep me going. Hugs, please R &R. **


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